Questions such as:

• Can I love my adopted child as much as my biological child? How will an adoption affect my biological child?

• How will this difference affect my children's relationship with each other? What if I adopt & then have a biological child?

It would be impossible for me to tell you exactly how you will feel and what the answers to these questions will be for you. However, I can share with you my family's experience in the hope that it will calm some of your fears and let you know that you are not alone.

When my biological son was 4 1/2 and it appeared that having another biological child would involve too much medical intervention, anxiety & stress, my husband and I began to investigate adoption. We always knew that we wanted two children so this was not a very difficult decision for us to make. Our son was an only child for 41/2 years & we really wanted him to have a sibling. We decided to adopt from Eastern Europe & requested a little girl. Our daughter arrived at age 18 months, 2 weeks from our son's 5th birthday. What a great birthday present for him.

I worried about how I would bond to our new daughter. I worried whether I could love an adopted child as much as a biological child. I have since found out that these are fears that women often have with subsequent biological children and are quite normal. No need to have fears about the fears. They are okay to have.

Adding a child to your family is a process regardless of where the child comes from. There are gains, losses & fears which need to be experienced and worked through. When you have a biological child the bonding begins during pregnancy when you feel kicking and see sonograms. With adoption it begins with a photograph.

I bonded faster with my son than my daughter. It took me about 6 months to feel like she was really mine and that I was not just babysitting someone else's child. I think part of the reason it took so long is that I needed to relax and put infertility and the adoption process behind me. I needed to get to know my daughter and spend time with her. I think I bonded faster with my son because I did feel him kicking which made him more real and therefore the bonding process started before he was born. My son is now 9 and my daughter is 51/2 and I can say in total honesty that I love both of my children equally.

My son and daughter bonded with each other instantly. Because she was 18 months, my son had an instant playmate. It was important for me to help them to have a good relationship. I recognized that my son had been an only child for almost 5 years and was used to having Mom to himself. To help prevent jealousy and resentment of his little sister I made sure to spend some special time alone with him at least once a week. Sometimes we would go out for an ice cream or just read a book together. I found this to be very important in my children's relationship.

Today they are great friends and love each other very much. They play together very well and often. They have learned allot from each other. My son has had some questions about his sister's adoption. In our house we talk about it openly. He has asked me if her other mother will ever come back and take her and if she really is his sister. To answer his questions, we read together a wonderful book called "Real for Sure Sister" by Ann Angel.

We discussed that Mommy and Daddy do not have the same blood but we love each other and are a family. He was able to understand this and today knows that our daughter is his real for sure sister. My daughter is still young and has not yet asked many questions. Whatever she asks we will discuss. One thing for sure is that she knows who her big brother is!

As far as other family members and friends, we were very lucky. All the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins treat our children equally. If you have any problems with extended family you may need to educate them about adoption. There are many wonderful books to help answer many questions for both children and adults.

I can now truthfully look back and say that I was so lucky to have been able to give birth to my son and thank goodness for infertility to have brought me my daughter. I love them both dearly!