Should We Adopt from Russia

Myth vs. Reality: The Internationally Adoptive Parent by Mara Kamen

While speaking with a reporter the other day, it occurred to me that it is not just the children of international adoption who are combating stereotyping, it is their parents as well. There is a perception that internationally adoptive parents struggled with infertility and adoption was their only choice. There is also a perception that internationally adoptive parents want a Caucasian infant and they want this child fast, with some guarantees. Further, the perception is that the US adoption processes can not deliver, so parents are forced to look overseas for their children.

To help others understand that this is not the case for a great number of families, I asked two basic questions. The following should not be consider anything more than a compilation of responses to two open ended questions. It was not a survey of any sort. I received close to 100 responses from an audience connected through adoption from the former Soviet Union and neighboring countries. The ordering does not indicate the frequency of responses and many people shared very personal information that can not be repeated.

The Top 10 Responses:

What was your non-infertility motivation for adoption?

1. Adoption was our first choice for forming a family
2. My spouse and I love each other and we're only related through paperwork
3. I always knew I would adopt a child, even at a young age
4. As a single person, this was my first and best option
5. If there were biological children in the family already:
• no desire for another pregnancy
• no desire for doing the "baby thing" again (Go straight to the fun ages!)
• empty nesters missed having a child, but not a baby
• first pregnancy resulted in health risks for mother and/or child
• had biological child(ren) of one sex and wanted to parent a child of the other sex
6. No reason to bring a child into the world when one was already waiting for our family
7. Did not want to contribute to the population explosion, adoption is more "earth friendly"
8. Wanted to help a waiting child and fulfil own needs at the same time
9. "Some of my best friends are adopted!" Adoption is a perfectly normal way to build a family, especially realized by adult adoptees
10. LOVE!

There were some respondents who did deal with infertility and listed their reasons for adopting as:
• fear of fertility treatments (multiple births, impact to the mother's health, impact on the child's health)
• failed infertility attempts
• Secondary infertility (already knew how rewarding it is to parent, so why not adopt?!)

Should I/We Adopt From Russia or EE?

Why Russia or Eastern Europe (EE)?

1. Family ties and a shared heritage (Most popular response)
2. It was so right for us!
3. Personal ties and an affinity for the culture, the people, the history, etc., including some who had traveled to these countries long before considering adoption
4. Local community support for Russian and EE adoptions- not just Families for Russian & Ukrainian Adoption (FRUA), but friends with successful Russian adoptions, surrounding immigrant population, etc.
5. Not interested in other countries - including that some countries only do infant adoptions (family wanted an older child), some countries do not have waiting children available for international adoption
6. Other countries not interested in us - including the US (too young, too old, too single, too married, too many children in the family already, travel too prohibitive, etc.)
7. Russia just worked for us - including openness to non-traditional families, Russia being a melting pot, like the US (Russia is still the world's largest country. Just like the US, the children are all ages, colorings and ethnicity's.)
8. Only one person said "wanted a child who looked like us" because of extended family biases
9. That's where my children were waiting!
10. We didn't pick Russia, Russia's children picked us!

About #6 and the US, which was the crux of the reporter's question that spurred this discussion:

• Didn't trust the US court system, no other country defends biological parents rights to the extent the US does
• Tried and failed under the US system (including being rejected as parents for cross racial adoptions)
• Singles don't stand a chance in private and public US adoption
• Over 40 don't stand a chance in private and public US adoption
• Uncomfortable with open adoption
• Prospective parents have to "sell" themselves to the birth mother, too much competition with other prospective parents
• Not fair to ask kids already in the family to go through the uncertainty of adoption through the foster care system

What some families are saying, shared with permission: "If you had asked me when I was 10 years old what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would have said 'I want to adopt lots of children with special needs.' So, my husband and I talked seriously about adoption from the very beginning."

"Like many people who want to adopt internationally, we were very open to any country that would accept us. Then our agency called and told us about a little girl in Russia who was waiting for a family. We knew this child was meant for us."

"I think it is difficult for those who have not been through the adoption process to understand the incredible sense most parents have that fate is steering things. ... You feel that there already IS a child out there who is meant to be with you, and you get this amazing feeling of being pulled toward that child."

"Every child deserves a loving family to call their own, regardless of where they were born." As you can see, adoptive parents are unique individuals, just like our children!