Promoting Attachment

by Amy Grier, LCSW

A newborn is dependent on the response of his environment to survive. When a need develops, the child cries and becomes aroused or tense. When an adult addresses the need, the infant learns to relax and trust. This is called the Attachment Cycle. As the child moves repeatedly through the attachment cycle and has his needs met, the child comes to believe that he is worthwhile and wanted, safe and capable. He also believes that adults are available, responsive and can meet the child’s needs. If the child’s needs are not met, he may feel worthless and powerless. He may learn that adults are not to be trusted, are dangerous and rejecting.

Children who come to their families after they have moved passed the newborn stage can form healthy attachments and learn to trust, even if their basic needs were not being met in the past. The brain continues to develop a capacity for attachment through age 11. There are many techniques for adoptive parents to employ in order to promote attachment. This list is compiled from work done by Adoption/Attachment Partners, The Attachment Center at Evergreen and Beech Brook’s Spaulding Adoption Program.

Claiming Behaviors

Send out adoption announcements
Work on and look through your child’s life book
Encourage your child to call parents "Mom" and "Dad"
Incorporate a middle name of family significance
Hang pictures of your child on the wall
Involve your child in family reunions, grandparent visits and family rituals
Hold a religious or other ceremony to welcome your child to the family
Shop for clothes with your child to learn of their color and style preferences

Initiate Positive Interactions

Smile, hug and kiss your child
Read and talk to your child
Play games, especially those that require taking turns or mirroring behavior
Support your child’s interests by being a group leader or coach
Help with homework
Teach your child to cook or bake
Teach your child about extended family members through photo albums and conversation
Go on special outings to the circus, theater, bowling, camping, skiing, etc.
Keep eye contact with your child
Sing with your child
Catch your child doing things right
When your child misbehaves, get sad rather than mad
Say "I love you"

Respond to the Arousal/Relaxation Cycle

Use your child’s tantrums to encourage attachment
Respond to your child when he is physically ill, frightened or injured
Help your child express and cope with feelings of anger, frustration, and anxiety, as well as ambivalence about his birth family
Share in your child’s extreme excitement and pride over his achievements
Help your child de-escalate when extremely upset

Physical Proximity

Help your child comb his hair

Sit close when reading to your child

Find opportunities to be involved in reciprocal interactions: thumb wrestle, tickle games , take turns brushing hair or rubbing on sun block, feed your child a taste of food when cooking together

Rub your child’s back when tucking him in at night

Establish a "snuggle time" as part of your everyday routine

Shared with permission from Amy Grier, a licensed social worker in Northern Virginia. Amy Grier spoke at the November 19, 1997 Parent Networking Meeting for FRUA-DC. For more information, contact: Adoption/Attachment Partners, 4300 Evergreen Street, Suite 102, Annandale, VA , or 703-658-7103 phone, 703-658-7105 fax.