Sleep—or the lack of it—can be a source of frus-tration for busy parents. Getting a newborn to sleep through the night, tucking in a toddler who won’t settle down, or reassuring a preschooler who’s terrified of monsters under the bed can be a stressful and tiring job for any parent. And when you are tired from being up during the night, it can be hard to be a good parent during the day. As one expert put it, you can be a little nicer than you feel, but not much.

Consistent routines and a little patience can go a long way toward giving you and your child a good night’s sleep. Here are some ideas and strategies that may help.

From birth to 3 months, most babies don’t sleep through the night. If you’re the parent of a newborn, you should expect to be woken in the night by your hungry infant. Don’t worry—this won’t last forever! Newborn babies generally sleep 16 to 18 out of every 24 hours and eat whenever they are hungry. But as they grow, they begin to develop patterns of sleep and wakefulness that are more predictable.

By the time babies are 3 to 6 months old, most begin to sleep in longer stretches during the night—anywhere from five to ten hours. (Remember that this will be different for each child!) They will also take two or three daytime naps. This is a good time to start

trying to find a bedtime routine that works for you and your child.

You can help your baby settle into a comfortable sleep pattern:

• Make sure he’s warm, well-fed, and in a clean, dry diaper.

• Swaddle your newborn. As he gets older, put him in comfortable clothes for sleep—a blanket sleep sack if his bedroom is cool, or light, comfortable clothes in hot weather.

• Keep household noise to an ordinary level during daytime naps, both to help your baby learn to sleep through minor disturbances and to help him learn the difference between daytime and nighttime sleep. If your baby’s room is exposed to loud noises at night (from a busy street, for example), you might try leaving a fan on to muffle sounds that might disrupt sleep.

• Darken the room as you get your child to sleep, so that he learns to associate low light with sleep.

• Keep night feedings as quiet and brief as possible, and keep the lights dimmed. You might decide not to change his diaper if it is just moderately wet.

• If your baby’s longest stretch of uninterrupted sleep is during the day and he has difficulty sleeping at night, try waking him a few minutes earlier from his nap each day until he treats his daytime sleep as a nap.

Between the ages of 6 and 18 months, most babies can sleep for 10 to 11 hours at night, and for three to four hours during the day, usually in two or three naps. (Older babies often reduce daytime sleep to a single nap.) Keep in mind that even a baby who "sleeps through the night" will have brief night wakings every four hours or so. Whether your child needs you with her to fall asleep at bedtime, or to get back to sleep when she awakens during the night, can depend on how you help her get to sleep. A bedtime routine that depends on your presence—like rocking your child to sleep or nursing as she falls asleep—makes you part of the "falling asleep" routine, and requires you to be part of the routine of falling back asleep every time she wakes during the night.

How you get your child to sleep at night is a very personal decision, and sometimes a difficult one to make. All parents want to do what’s best for their children and their families, but in this case it’s not always clear what is best.

Some parents prefer to respond to their child’s need for comfort in the middle of the night. Their child’s cries may be particularly distressing to them, they may believe that it is unreasonable to expect young children to sleep alone, and they are willing to live with interruptions of their own sleep. Other par-ents feel it is important to help their child learn to sleep by herself. They feel that a few nights of tears during the learning process are balanced by the longer-term benefit of better sleep for the whole family. Most parents strike a balance between the needs of their child for comfort at night and the whole family’s need for uninterrupted sleep.

What follows is a strategy for teaching your child to get to sleep by herself. You might want to use it for all your child’s sleep routines, or you might want to try it out for daytime naps first, and work up to using it at bedtime and during the night. Whatever you decide, make a plan before bedtime (or nap time) and stick to it for at least a week.

• Try to time your older baby’s bedtime feeding so she does not fall asleep while nursing or having a bottle. You might try feeding her a little earlier in the evening, maybe a half hour before bedtime, as a way to separate nursing from the bedtime routine. This can also give you a chance to change her wet diaper before she falls asleep.

• Find a bedtime routine that helps your child wind down and understand that bedtime is approaching. A warm bath before changing into sleep clothes can be a good start to the routine. You might read a story, or sing a soothing song. Dim the lights at the same stage in the routine every night.

• Put your child in her crib when she’s sleepy, but still awake.

• Give her a "comfort object" to snuggle—a safe, snugly toy, a soft blanket, or your own nightgown.

• You might rub her back or gently massage her head for a minute to help her relax—but not to get her all the way to sleep. (You want her to learn to fall asleep by herself.)

• Once you’ve finished, say "goodnight" in a soft voice and leave the room.

Keep to a bedtime and nap-time schedule, if possible. A child who isn’t tired at bedtime because she had a late nap will resist the bedtime routine. And a child who is over-tired can be hard to calm at bedtime.

It may take some time to find a regular, predictable routine that works. It can be hard for babies to separate from an active, busy household and a loving parent. And it can be hard for them to change to a new bedtime routine. Most babies will cry as a way of objecting to this new routine. But most will adjust to the new routine quickly, usually within a few nights.

It is important for you as a parent to find ways to reassure your child as she adjusts to the new routine. If she’s like most babies, she will cry at first to let you know she’s unhappy with the change. You need a way to show that you are still there for her, while giving her the chance to get herself to sleep. Here is one strategy that many parents have found to work (a more detailed description can be found in the book Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems, by Richard Ferber):

• If your baby cries, wait five minutes before you go into her room to comfort her.

• When you do go in, keep the lights dim, talk in low tones, and gently rub her back for a minute or two to reassure her that you’re there (but not for so long that she falls asleep); then say "goodnight" again and leave.

• If she continues to cry, wait for seven or eight minutes before going in again to soothe her as before.

• Continue the pattern until she does fall asleep on her own, building up to 10- to 15-minute intervals.

If you are firm, comforting, and consistent, your baby will probably understand after two or three nights that you expect her to fall asleep by herself, and that you are still there to soothe her when she needs you.

It can be difficult to listen to your child cry as she adjusts to the new routine. It might help you if you keep track of her progress in getting herself to sleep. Use a clock to help you track the time. Make a note of how long it takes before she falls asleep the first night, the second night, and so on. Seeing progress can help you remain firm during this transition—and most parents see progress right away.

The first night is usually the most difficult. Some parents report that this crying and comforting cycle lasts for as long as an hour and a half. The second night is usually much easier, and by the third night many children fall asleep with only a minimum of fussing. Keep in mind that your goal is to teach your child a new skill—getting herself to sleep at night—that will make life easier for both of you throughout her childhood.

In many cultures, families sleep together. In others, it is customary for babies and children to sleep in their own cribs or beds. Supporters of bed-sharing, or the "family bed," feel that it helps babies to sleep better. Others feel that it interrupts sleep patterns for all family members. There is no clear evidence that one style is better for children and their families than another. Safety experts do recommend that infants sleep in cribs that have met specific standards, but where a child sleeps is primarily a personal family decision.

Some parents, especially nursing mothers, find that letting a child sleep with them is easier than having to get up and go to another room to feed a baby in the middle of the night. It is important to understand, however, that this pattern of bed-sharing can be difficult to change in an older baby. Some families compromise by having the baby in frequent night waking.

No matter what routine you choose, don’t feel that you need to be absolutely rigid about its "enforcement." There will always be exceptions to the rule. When you travel, for example, you may have to change the routine while you’re away and spend some time readjusting when you get back. If your child has an experience that deeply upsets or worries her, such as the sickness or death of a family member or a pet, or if your family is going through a disruptive time with a separation or divorce, your child may be afraid to sleep alone. Give her whatever support she needs at night for one or two weeks to reassure her that you love her and recognize her worries. Then gradually encour-age her to sleep in her own bed again.

Another solution is to explain to your child that he must stay in bed after you’ve said "goodnight" or you will close the door to his bedroom. If he gets out of bed, pull the door closed and hold it closed for a minute, then open it and remind him of the rule. Don’t lock the door—it is frightening to the child and could be dangerous in an emergency. Help your child understand that this is something he can control. If he stays in bed, the door stays open. If he won’t, you’ll close the door—for a minute at first, and for longer periods of time if he doesn’t respond. Talk through the door to let him know you’re still there and to encourage him.

Through the toddler and preschool years, children develop an elaborate imagination which generally peaks at about 4 or 5 years of age. While imagination sparks wonderfully creative play during the day, it can also bring scary dreams or fears at night. When your preschooler has scary dreams or fears, he can’t yet distinguish between reality and fantasy, and his fears are very real to him. If your child wakes from a scary dream, comfort him and help him go back to bed when he is calm.

You can help your child feel safe and protected. You can also use his playful imagination to help him get over his fears. For example, you might:

• go around the room on a "monster hunt"—that finds no monsters in the corners, under the bed, or in the closet.

• hang up a "No Monsters" sign, or recite "no-monster" magic words as part of the nightly bedtime routine.

• give your child a flashlight to keep under the pillow.

• adjust the lighting in his bedroom with a night light or two, and close the door to a scary closet.

• find a children’s book about facing fears, and read it together.

• have your child draw pictures of the things that frighten him.

• try to figure out if he has been frightened by something he has seen on television or in a video, and talk about it with him. Young children can easily be overwhelmed by scary scenes or characters in movies, or by events shown on the evening news.

Some children experience a stronger reaction to scary dreams, called "night terrors," which are very different from nightmares. Night terrors typically occur one to three hours after a child falls asleep, unlike nightmares, which occur in the middle of the night. A child who has a night terror might sit up in bed or thrash around, and cry out in fear or distress. His eyes may be open and he may appear to be awake, but he is not. Your attempts to comfort him may seem to have no effect, or even to distress him further. Night terrors can often be scarier for parents than for children, who may not even remember the terror when they awake the next morning.

If your child has a night terror:

• Don’t try to wake your child. In most cases, the terror will fade and he will drift back to sleep. If your child is thrashing and you think he might hurt himself, gently hold him in your arms to keep him safe.

• Remain calm yourself. You might talk in soothing tones to your child, saying something like, "It’s OK, Dad (or Mom) is here."

• Don’t be upset if your child says angry things or strikes out at you. He’s reacting to the object of his terror, not to you.

Most children outgrow night terrors in the elementary school years. In the meantime, there a few things you can do that may decrease the frequency of your child’s night terrors. Research has shown that night terrors are more likely to occur if a child is over-tired. If your child has night terrors, try to stick even more closely to nap and bedtime routines. A consistent routine can help your child get to sleep more easily, which will help him get the sleep he needs. You might also consider a slightly earlier bedtime or a brief nap or rest period to help ensure that your child does not get overtired.

Regular and predictable routines, backed up with clear expectations, will help your child gain more control of her sleep, and can help all of you get more and better sleep. Helping a child learn to get herself to sleep is really not much different than helping her learn other new skills, such as walking, talking, dressing herself, and using the toilet. Your job is to wait until she’s ready to learn, until she’s old enough for extended sleep, then encourage her in a loving, consistent, and firm way.

Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems, by Richard Ferber. (Simon & Schuster. New York. 1985).
Written by the director of the Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children’s Hospital in Boston. The book discusses such common problems as nighttime fears, feeding, daily routines, and associations children have with falling asleep, and offers practical methods for helping your child learn to get to sleep.

Touchpoints, by T. Berry Brazelton. (Addison Wesley. Reading, MA. 1992).
Reassuring advice on sleep issues by the renowned pediatrician and parenting expert. Includes a discussion of the family bed.

Winning Bedtime Battles, by Charles E. Schaefer and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo. (Citadel Press. New York. 1992).
Does your child beg for one more kiss, a glass of water, or another book? This book helps parents work with children who refuse to go to bed, jump out of bed repeatedly, throw tantrums, and generally prolong bedtime for hours.