On the process

• Find an agency who can hold your hand, just in case. Having someone to talk you through the process and what to expect can be a lifesaver. We never thought we would need this type of support, but we did.
• Not everyone experiences love at first sight when seeing the video or the picture for the first time or even at the first meeting. It doesn’t mean that you are a bad person or that there won’t be a connection, it just means that you are normal!
• Prepare for the worst and hope for the best!
• Read! Read! Read! Gather up all the materials you can on post institutionalized children’s issues and on parenting.
• Join FRUA for their valuable information, the chance to meet other families and to learn about children in specific orphanages. "I didn’t feel so alone in adopting a child from Russia anymore. Each family I met gave me hope and reassurance." "The information in the booklets was enough to make me want to be affiliated with this group."

On the trip

• Pack less! There was no reason to bring most of what we lugged, especially in terms of clothes and comfort foods. Take more supplies for the orphanage instead.
• We would have liked to spent more time in Russia. The people were wonderful. Our hosts are now part of our extended family.
• Learn some key phrases in your child’s language. "I love you", "Do you need to go potty?", etc.
• Set up a phone chain. Call the first person on your list to pass on the word that you are back home and ask for a few days of privacy (and catching up on sleep). We needed a little time to get settled, unpack, do laundry and for our child to see the pediatrician.
• It is healthy for a child to be a little shy or weary of strangers. Everything about the parents is different (clothes, language, manners). We expected this child to jump into our arms with big hugs and kisses. Boy, were we disappointed! Our son is wonderful and became attached, affectionate and trusting before we returned home. We should have realized he would need time to warm up to us (and us to him).
• Don’t be so intimidated when asking questions of the coordinator or when asking for information at the orphanage. If the information is what you need to help your child, then it is okay to ask...and ask...and ask.
• Be prepared for a surprise. We learned of our children’s older siblings when we met them at the orphanage. They were required to stand up in court to agree to the adoption. It was heartbreaking.

On the adjustment to home

• Life became so busy once our child was home! There never seems to be enough hours in the day and no one warned us how tired we would be!
• Making sure our appliances were in good repair really helps. The dishwasher, clothes washer and dryer were never used as much as when our child first came home!
• School age children should not be rushed back into school if their personalities call for a slower adjustment. Take whatever time is needed. In the long run, everyone will be happier.
• Wait a month or so to monitor behaviors before making any drastic decisions or forming any strong opinions.
• Adding a new family member can change your marriage. This is a stressful process and like any other major stress, it can do a number on even the healthiest of relationships. Make sure you take one or two nights each month for couple time and set some time aside each week for reconnecting.
• The paperwork doesn’t end! Post placement reports should be sent back to the foreign government. Apply for social security cards, citizenship and readoption. We also changed our wills and arranged for a religious ceremony to welcome the children into the family.
• Expect your child to be overstimulated and demanding for a while. Everything is new and overwhelming, so the child may not be able to take everything in at once. Being the center of attention will also be a new experience for your child.
• Set up a structure for your child’s day. Don’t forget to include some time to relax away from the kids. Ask friends and relatives to help. Many people didn’t know how to help and we really needed to ask, especially in the beginning.
• Make "I love you" the most spoken words in your house. Lavish children with extra hugs and kisses and find reasons to laugh with your children.

On rocking

• Children learn to rock as a form of self stimulation. They are looking for a rhythmic movement or have learned to associate rocking with going to sleep. Some doctors say to ignore bedtime rocking, it will disappear by age 4. Some other doctors say that if the bedtime rocking does not subside by age 5, it never will.
• Make sure your child has accessible toys to play with and reassure your child that it is okay to play with these toys once they are done sleeping. This will help eliminate wake-up rocking.
• Put an adult sized rocking chair in your child’s room. When reading bedtime stories or singing lullabies, rock in the chair. Cradle your child in your arms, regardless of how old your child is, and maintain eye contact. This will help to promote attachment. If the child wakes early, let your child know it is okay to rock in the chair.
• The rhythm of a metronome or an old fashioned wind up clock may replace the rhythm of rocking.

"Healthy" means different things to different people. "Unhealthy" diagnosis often are categorized by things like:

• parasites (which after the course of antibiotics are over, the unhealthiness is gone)
• children are underweight and hungry (once the vast majority of kids are given a balanced diet and better nutrition, this unhealthiness also goes away)
• the catch all "developmental delays" in which the children, especially infants and toddlers are not given the same attention and freedoms that American children enjoy. Physical and occupational therapies can make a world of difference
• speech delays (children are not encouraged to talk, but they seem to understand everything)
• Often well meaning friends and even doctors try to fit our children onto American models. The culture, prenatal care, child rearing practices are all different. What many see as delays are merely cultural differences. See the Fall 1997 issue of Family Focusâ for an article on making the cultural comparison.
• Visit What Medical Information Is Real on this website
• "I used to feel that I got the one good child out of Russia, but then after meeting and talking to other FRUA families, I see that my child is the rule, not the exception."

Things to keep in mind when going through the process

• In the end, your family will be more complete and you will have a beautiful, loving child with an amazing personality!
• There is not need to apologize for adopting internationally rather than domestically. You are doing what is best for your own situation.
• Think of the process as an adventure and have lots of patience. Adoption is not for the lion-hearted.
• Leave the fairy tale fantasy at the door. Families only live happily ever after in the movies. This is a child with strengths and weaknesses. Learn all you can about any potential development opportunities.
• Every parent has different expectations for their children, biological or not. Every child will do better in a situation where they are encouraged, supported and loved than in a situation where they are not, regardless of how they joined the family or what issues they are facing.
• The goal is to help our children reach their fullest potential, whatever that means for an individual child.
• Our children are real people with strengths that more often than not offset any weaknesses. There are issue that exist, yet everyone of us has weaknesses and it is up to parents and families to decide how much of daily life is taken over by those issues and how much time is spent playing to our strengths.
• There are lots of factors that go into making an adoption and family successful:

• parents - personalities, preparedness and expectations
• agencies - ability to obtain and relay information, provide pre and post adoptive support and education
• children - personalities, unique situation and history
• outside support - extended family, friends, community resources, FRUA

• Our kids are so smart and resilient! Try not to see them as limited by their humble beginnings. They have so much untapped potential.

© Copyright 1998. All rights reserved. Families for Russian & Ukrainian Adoption, PO Box 2944, Merrifield, VA 22116, 703-560-6184, www.frua.org